The teased

I was a sensitive child, the ideal sport for bullies. I would cry when I was teased, I was emotional, easily affected, and often would throw myself pity parties. My mother told me when boys teased me that they really liked me, of course I repeated this to one of these boys and he held me up against the wall and threatened me if I ever repeated those words. One of the boys that would tease me was one of my friends (at least when no other boys his age were around). I had a hard time understanding that, but eventually we had a talk and I caught on it was an act he had to play. I was told not to react so much and teasing wouldn’t happen as often. It is true, I experimented for a week hiding my affected soul and by the end I was no longer so fun to tease.

I was an oldest child always seeking acceptance and recognition from adults. I was certain no other child had to do all the chores and live up to the expectations that were placed upon me. My father would call me "Poor Cinderella" when I complained and I felt even sorrier for myself, I certainly was Cinderella having to clean up after everyone and do more then any one else. When I would complain of ailments my father would say "you were a nice girl while you lasted" and of course I was the most unloved, ignored little girl who might die and my parents wouldn’t care. It seem even now at times my imagination will make some adventure or sad story out of my life.

Then what do you know, I end up marrying a tease. Not a mean teaser mind you, but a tease all the same. My husband loves to prey on my guilt complex, my naivety, my pity parties and imagination, of course he will smile and let me know he is teasing and gives me a sweet hug. I took about 6 classes in highschool where I was the only girl I’m certain I must have liked the attention and the friendly teasing from those boys. Even some of the mean teases in elementary, some of the meanest boys I knew ended up going on missions, being great missionaries and supposedly great people (to my astonishment).

Never Go

Never go to the dentist with your children, never need to because they have perfectly wonderfully healthy teeth. I just came back from the dentist with my daughter crying the whole way back in the car, it is just not worth it for them to have cavities. It is better to never let them have any sugar and sit on them (if you have to) to have them floss and brush their teeth. What a horrible experience to see my children in pain.

I think of parents who have had to see a lot worse with their kids. As my thoughts are running I think of parents who have had children with cancer, disabilities, illnesses. My husband's mother has lost four children, two soon after birth, one of childhood lukemia, one recently from brain tumors, the pain not only for the children but for the mother, the ones to watch. I think of Mary the mother of Jesus Christ, watching her son be crucified on the cross.

I think of the love we feel for others at this valentines, how I would wish I could express how much I appreciate others. I love my husband so much. Sometimes it seems we draw closer even when things seem stressful. I appreciate my mother watching my younger children while I was at the dentist today, I appreciate my younger sister watching my children so we can go on a date for valentines. I think of wonderful neighbor's and friends, family that we love so much. Happy Valentines and know my heart is with you.

Sadness and Sorrow

I just found out a girl I was friends with has left her husband and children they are suddenly divorced, I had no idea. I feel such sorrow for her, for her husband, for her dear children. When a family unit is hit with such a blow it is worse then a death, I feel more sorrow at this news then at a funeral for a friend. I don't know all the details. I don't know if I want to know, I'm just sad and sorry for all involved. It breaks my heart.

It is hard being married, I don't know how many people would find marriage so appealing if they knew how hard it was, but yet I wouldn't leave it or wish I had never married. Having children is tough, I fasted and prayed yesterday for strength and knowledge how I can best help my children with their challenges and my weaknesses. I wonder if these stresses became too much for my friend, or if she struggled with challenges or temptations I wouldn't understand. There are times when I just want to be done for the day or take a little break from it all for a few days, how much might my friend be experiencing to do what she did.

I just wanted to write somehow express my sorrow, there is no funeral, no final closure for the passing of once happy and whole family unit. I can hope that my friends husband and her children will find wholeness as they are and let friends, neighbors and family help them find wholeness in the new definition of their family unit. I hope I can help, her baby is close to my baby's age.

Lost in my own little world

Lost in my own little world As the snow piles and piles and my life is so crazy and busy with my children, it is easy to isolate myself. To get lost at home and cut off contact with everyone else without meaning to. I've been to the dentist three times this week with appointments and dental work for my kids, my life is consumed with my family and basic maintenince of my home it seems. Little baby Em is sick with a cold right now and it is so fridgid outside it is perfered to do as much indoors as possible.

I have found the key to housework for me is to combine it with one of my favorite passions, reading, by listening to books on tape or CD. Which, might in someways keep me more isolated because I get myself lost in the books, but at least my time is being used better. Sometimes I keep different books on different floors. Right now I have Harry Potter The Half-blood Prince on upstairs while I fold laundry and organize my room. I have Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry on in the kitchen and I'm planning on listening to Artimus Fowl downstairs while I exercise and clean the family room. It is amazing how much I look forward to cleaning and cooking in the kitchen or organizing my room how it comes automatically while I'm engrossed in some adventure.

I've negelcted this blog, emailing and calling family and friends and I've turned into a little home-body. I find I go through solitary stages like this and then I feel guilty about not keeping in contact and I'm desparate for friends and society, swinging on a pendulum of sorts. My husband's been working late a lot and getting ready for a new job change, times like this I get even more attached to my home and children. I have enjoyed teaching my son how to write his name, playing legos with him, cuddling and reading books, and enjoying the sweet pictures he draws for me as gifts. Even my school daughter I have come right home so I can feel like I had my time with her and I enjoy rocking and playing with my baby girl. Maybe, I won't feel guilty about this time where I just need to focus at home, that is what winter days are for anyways.