I haven't been writing for a while, been in one of those wonderful depressing ruts where you just sort of live your life from the outside looking in like you aren't the person you see in the mirror or goes about doing all the tasks and routines you do each day. Where motivation, meaning and purpose in life have just taken a vacation and your left floundering drowning in the mess if your disorganization, grumbling unfinished thoughts, feeling like you've blotched every role, responsiblity, opportunity, talent you might have had in life. Your doing your best but you don't know why you try anymore or why you are so busy doing what you do.
I'm learning I need to be more independant emotionally. I so dependant on others: my husband, my writing group, friends to validate, encourage me to help me feel special and I am of worth. So when my husband is working extreem hours, I'm home with sick children and I feel so alone I have to face myself and then I don't know if I am who I want to be and I'm not sure if I know what that is. Its competely confusing to me to try and figure out myself I don't know how anyone could even begin to try and figure out another person.
Of course I don't feel this way all the time, I go through valley's and hills and lately I've been stuck in a rut and realizing I need to somehow get out. Of course because I am home and my world is so limited at times I think I get weird and so when I try to talk to friends or others I talk too much or say odd things and push people away or anyways I just found I need to talk to have some social conversations before I become completely odd and turn into a complete hermit. Its just one of those ruts we all eventually get out of. I already feel better just writing and trying to write out what I have felt at times.
3 comments:
I know what you mean. I feel that way sometimes, especially in March. It seems that spring is never early enough for me. When I'm in a rut it often helps me to
exercise, set goals, redecorate, create something, serve, buy a new outfit, or get my hair cut (I know I'm such a girl). Also I find that traveling, even a quick get away, always helps me come back to my regular life with a new enthusiasm and perspective. It also gives me an appreciation for
the comforts of home which I often take for granted when I'm feeling stuck there.
Don't be too hard on yourself about getting in one of those ruts. I recently read a news article that talked about how periods of depression can actually be benefical. It said that these periods cause people to reevaluate their lives and make important changes and necessary course corrections that never would have happened otherwise. It even listed the names of several famous scientists, artists, etc. who did their best work or who made their most important discoveries after a period of depression.
As far as looking to others for validation, my mission president
called it looking for a horizontal
solutions. He said that it is important that we get and give love and support to/from others, but he emphasised the importance of looking for vertical solutions, meaning that we seek our validation and solutions to our problems from the Lord. I thought this was a good way of putting it. Sometimes when I'm looking in the wrong places for solutions to my problems I remember this wise counsel.
Love the line, "grumbling unfinished thoughts." Don't worry about being dependant on others, we are all one, all so intricately linked that it is our nature to look to others to validate ourselves, to share our lives to want to be together. We should remember but can't remember our life before when we knew each other so well. This is an alien life to us and therefore it's hard for us. We need to remove the umbrella and let God's love shower us. If only we could hear him talking back to us when we talk to him, it would be easier--perhaps he sends others, husband, even you personal history ladies to talk to you, to tell you that you are wonderful. He doesn't want you to be independant, I don't think. He wants us all to be dependant on him, to love like he does, to be willing to do what he would do.
This is my humble opinion, Sarah. You have a friend right here who does not think you are weird or say odd things. Everyone in our personal history group adores you. We want to be more like you. You have a goodness in you that is so refreshing.
Hey Sara, this is your aunt Liz! Sorry my message to you is not going to be anything like those already there, I'm a terrible writer! Now that I'm a blogger too, I remembered to check your blog and I must say that I got a little worried by reading your last entry...Now that I have Abraham I understand what you've been feeling, it is really hard to adjust to the routine and to adjust to the fact that your life belongs to somebody else for a while, your kids! Don't be discouraged! Let's do stuff together, I found myself in the same situation as you and I'm trying to find ways to be motivated and happier. I've been going to "story telling" at the Provo Library on Friday mornings and I stay for the "baby" one and for the spanish one, is a lot of fun! Also, I don't know if you heard about the Donaldson's biggest looser, your aunt Christine and I are trying to put a program together to loose some weight, are you interested? Anyway, let me know if you would like to join me on any of those ok? I think you are awesome, I think you are sweet, pure and genuine! Take care and keep in touch. Oh, my address is http://danandlizd.blogspot.com/
Love,
Liz
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